Asking is Sexy

Year after year, I see couples feel isolated from each other because they are unable to ask for what they want in bed. This is often very gendered: Female individuals are afraid to ask for what they want because they think it will be too off-putting because they "should be submissive and pleasing." Male individuals are afraid to ask for what they want because they are afraid they will come across as too aggressive, creepy, or burdensome.

But the truth of the matter is that unspoken and implicit asks lead to loneliness, consent discomforts (or worse), and a tug towards infidelity.

If you're having trouble asking for what is hot for you:

1. Think--are you really asking for something too taxing for your partner? Chances are you aren't asking for an "emotional hundred dollar bill:" humans are strong and caring, and what you think might be an ask for "a hundred-dollar bill" might just cost your partner "pennies."

2. Remember--letting your partner care for you is a form of giving!

3. Ask, cleanly and clearly--keep it simple. It might be useful to frame things in terms of enthusiasm--for example: "I'm really excited thinking about you putting a blindfold on me. Is this something you're into too? Could we try it?" Make it easy for your partner to give a clear "yes" or "no." [And respect a "no" if you get one!]

Even if your desires about a particular sex act are mismatched, you will learn about each other, form more trust, and feel more comfortable advocating for your desires and needs in the future.