Hotline Answer 1: BDSM and Feminism
This week, a couple reached out to the hotline via email about kink, feminism, and aging. They were feeling isolated from each other because their libidos were dropping as they aged into their 60s, and the part of their sexuality that was most alive--BDSM--ended because the wife assumed this play contradicted her feminist ideologies. Here are a few selected pieces of my answer to them--
- As bodies age, there are definitely hormonal and physical changes that can make sex a little more complicated. Emotionally, the more time couples spend together, the more the initial excitement transitions into a stable and comfortable connection. With that in mind, what you have described sounds fairly normal. But, of course, intimacy is still very important for couples of all ages, and sex and exploration are a huge part of this.
- Feminism is about empowerment, and sexual pleasure can be very empowering for women! Consent, experimentation, performance, and creativity in bed can all feminist exercises women can explore even in submissive roles. In good dynamics, submissive partners often even have more control over play than dominant partners do. There are a lot of interesting writings about this, for example: https://medium.com/.../being-submissive-in-the-bedroom....
- It would be worth it to ask her what kind of sex would be empowering for her, as a feminist. There might be some new sexual experiences to explore there. Feminism can be very individual, and what is empowering for her might be different than what is empowering for somebody else. This is worth asking her about.