About Zane Kay Coaching
My Practice
Over the years, I’ve seen my clients’ deep need to feel close to their own bodies, to their loved ones, and to humanity at large. To meet this, I have become less concerned with providing the “band-aids” of stress relief and loneliness (giving a few hours of intimacy to clients here and there) and more with creating systems and methodologies for clients to establish stable connections.
Depending on my clients’ individual needs, I incorporate practices and ideas borrowed from somatic experiencing; circling; shadow work; embodiment practices; mindfulness and meditation; consent certification programs; pro cuddling training programs; sex and BDSM education; clinical sexology research; and CBT, CPT, and DBT psychology treatments* to help individuals feel more connected to each other and humanity.
*I do not have any clinical psychology or clinical sexology licensure yet. I do not offer full CBT, CPT, or DBT treatments. If, in a session, I sense you might need a full program, I will refer you to somebody with the necessary credentials. That being said, many of the exercises from these programs are easy to do without a certified professional. Examples of such exercises include mindfulness techniques, recognizing “stuck points,” and self-soothing. I incorporate such practices as it seems relevant and safe to do so. I am also in the process of establishing accountability systems to prevent malpractice, which I will soon make public.
My Story
I was born into a small, high-control group in the Appalachians. This group had very complicated and perverse takes on sexuality, world-connectedness, and self-intimacy. As far as sexuality goes: Whenever somebody lusted after another, they would have to confess it to the entire congregation; The elders told us they could read our thoughts at all times so we better not think anything sexual; Pedophilia was ever-present and not prevented; When I found eventually found a significant other, the elders convinced me that he was possessed by demons.
They had a perverse take on members’ connectedness with the world/humanity: We were dehumanized and turned into “truth bearers” rather than individuals who could authentically relate to others; We were told we were better than everybody else; We were discouraged from participating in any other communities; We were taught that every interaction needed to be a proselytization effort—there were no acceptable conversational topics besides salvation.
They also had a perverse take on self-intimacy (our connection with our own bodies): Masturbation was prohibited; Dangerous fasting practices were encouraged, even for children; Seeking professional health care treatment was viewed as faithless and weak; All ailments were considered demonic and treatments were considered angelic.
At age 8, when I was playing on the playground with my friend Isa, Isa hit her head on the jungle gym and started bleeding. It wasn’t a serious injury. She just had a little scratch. The elders of the community pulled me over and had me pray for her. Afterwards, the elders separated us for a few days. I was concerned about Isa during this time because the elders made it seem like she was lethally injured. After a few days, at a big congregational meeting, we were reunited on stage. The elders ecstatically exclaimed how Isa was on the verge of death, but because of the Holy Spirit’s work through me (who “had supernatural healing powers even at such a young age, miraculous!”), Isa was saved. From that moment on, I was seen as the healer of the community–a child shaman. Whenever somebody in the congregation had an ailment, they would be brought to me at the altar for an intense healing prayer ritual. This continued for 14 years, during which I was equally confused by congregants being healed by my prayer and by congregants not experiencing the healing I prayed for.
At 22, thanks to some very good books and reasoning, I left the cult and swore off all things spiritual, including my healing abilities. For a few years, I went through therapy program after therapy program and researched as much as I could to provide scientific explanations for what had happened during my childhood. I assumed that the only reason my healing rituals ever worked was because of placebo and projection, and that those two reasons rendered the experiences completely false and invalid.
During this time, I strongly warned everybody against any therapeutic practice that wasn’t administered by a psychology professional and didn’t adhere strongly to DSM-5. It seemed too dangerous–perhaps too uninformed or administered by somebody with ulterior motives of control and mission-advancement, like the cult leaders who I had grown up with.
However, through friends’ stories and my own experiences with some awful therapists and misdiagnoses–through struggles with insurance, bottlenecks, rigidity in treatment endeavors (for an easy example—most private practitioners shy away from recommending very helpful MDMA and shroom treatments)—I realized that the clinical route I was encouraging everybody to take doesn’t always cut it. What was the solution?
Well, I’m trying to provide at least one. I’ve recently started synergizing my cult experiences and my scientific seeking to form an alternative form of therapy for people who feel lonely and isolated. I have realized that my “healing powers” weren’t just a projection of the congregation; I have some qualities of my own that are actually very healing–encouraging (like my hyper-perception and ability to just sit and fully be present with people). Even the projection bits in themselves no longer seem like an invalidation to me. The causations of healing don’t matter if there is healing.
This “second phase of healing practice” for me is more informed from the clinical/educated side of things: I have been working as a sex educator, I have studied the neuroscience of relationships and sexuality with friends who are experts in this area, I have worked as a dominatrix and professional cuddler for a few years, I have gone through smaller certification and education programs, and I am pursuing a master’s in behavioral neuroscience (although am no longer depending on the completion of such a degree for me to do good work in the world).
I now know how to workshop through wrong and/or insufficient takes on sexuality, world-connectedness, and self-intimacy like the ones I experienced as a child. Knowing the grief of these types of isolation, I am empathetically compelled to help others find their senses of belonging like I have. I want to share the resources, frameworks, methodologies, etc. that have brought me to the much better place I now exist in as somebody who is poly, omnisexual, under the trans umbrella, likely autistic, and kinky.
There’s no one clear answer to loneliness, but I have a repertoire of many potential solutions. Let me share what I know, and we will find something to help you discover healing, connection, and intimacy.